Life....overwhelmed!

Today is just one of those days....

You know, the day where you are teetering on the edge of an absolute meltdown. You  can feel yourself on the edge of something and you spend most of your energy rocking yourself back onto the ledge to keep from falling knowing that it will take  nothing more than a whisper to push you over.

I am not here often....in fact, I pride myself on my capacity to hold things together. I have the emotional capacity of a small country (not as small as Vatican City but maybe more like a Liechtenstein.) Perhaps that's why I appear masochistic in my yearning to take on more. For the most part, I can handle it. For the most part....

Unfortunately, today is not that kind of day! Maybe its depression or anxiety, maybe my medication isn't adequate anymore, maybe I am getting old and my capacity is dwindling...

Or maybe sometimes, a day in life is harder than others.

Maybe today is the day for me. I suppose that negative energy has to go somewhere. Today it is here. In my body, in my mind, and in my heart. Maybe if I purge some of what is pulling me down, I can be relieved of some of it's weight.

A list seems most appropriate:

•  I don't know what more I can do to support my stepson in school, I don't know how to help him (or his sister) understand the importance of education. I don't know how to give them a peek into their future to see the limitations that they will put on themselves if they don't make their education a priority. I don't know how to help them understand that life requires money and opportunities to earn  decent living will only be afforded to those who have a "minimum 4-year degree." And maybe, in ten years, it will be a graduate degree. And I certainly don't know how to do this when they are only in our home half time.

•  I don't know how to just be happy. I don't know when the last time was that I sat in my own skin and felt "happy." Is this normal? Does this happen when you have children and you are worried about them all day, every day?

•  I don't know how to feel good about my work when I can't concentrate in any given moment. Not to mention, I don't feel like I am doing much. I don't have a career...just a job. Which is fine because it is a good job. But, oh, how I wish that I had the support and understanding necessary to finish college when I was younger. I wish that I was a teacher. I know that I can be one day but I am not sure how I can get there from here and honestly, I don't know that I have the perseverance to make it happen. My track record says otherwise.

• I don't know how to muster up the energy to keep my relationship with my husband alive. Honestly, if I hired a babysitter right now, I might use that time to take a nap- I am exhausted. But, I miss my husband and I want to see him and experience him outside of ma & daddy roles. I knew that relationships were hard but I never anticipated missing the man that I sleep next to every night- how does that happen?!?!?

• Why haven't I found world peace and made a real difference in the world yet?!? Gosh, by 36, I feel like I should have done something important by now! What am I doing with all of my time anyway? (This is half serious/half kidding.....but mostly serious.)

• Why am I still struggling with issues with my parents??? After 18 years of therapy, I should be fixed by now!I should have realistic expectations and recognize others' emotional limitations and all that other shit already....

Hmph, all in all, I know that I am doing okay. As a very good friend of mine said today, "everyone is healthy and life is always hard, it just ranges in levels of difficulty." So, I know that today is just a harder day in the life of me. And the good news is that it is only a day!

Step-mom struggle......dun, dun, dun!

There are few things that I would encourage someone Not to do. Some of them are pretty basic human behaviors that no-one should want to engage in, i.e. murder, self-harm, or anything that is destructive to yourself or others. But, then, there is the opportunity to become a step-parent. Ugh! DO NOT DO IT! Being a step mother has been by far the most challenging task that I have ever taken on in my entire life. It is all of the struggles of parenting squared (maybe even cubed!) Yes, that's right, I used a math equation to help signify the enormity of this challenge.

A little background- Hubby was married pre-"me" and has two wonderful children. When I met them, they were mini humans only age 4 and age 2. The visitation schedule is quite UN-traditional in that it follows ex-wife's work schedule which is ridiculous. See if you can follow this: for three weeks the kids are with us from Sunday-Thursday and then for three weeks the kids are with us Thursday-Sunday. I know, can you imagine being a kid following this schedule?!?!

After a couple of years of living with the family, I came to a place where I needed to make the decision of whether or not to attach to these two children who were clearly going to be a big part of my life. However, I was well aware that I had the choice to decide how involved I wanted to be. Ultimately, I decided that if I was going to join this family then I would be choosing to parent these two kids as if they are my own. So, that's what I did.

Over the past ten years I have loved them as my own children and treated them as my own children to the very best of my ability. Don't get me wrong, I am not super human so there have been many times when I have struggled. I arrived with my own baggage that needed putting away and they have been a part of and witness to that process.Without hesitation, I can say that I have worked very hard to be an additional resource for them. I think that for the most part both children love and respect me and that is all that I can ask of them since they are just that- children.

Unfortunately, there is a whole other piece that requires continuous reconciling- THE MOTHER. Now, I must be honest in that I have well trained co-workers who will curse her at the mere mention of her name in their endless effort to support me. Yet, the mother is not a bad person. She is not abusive or neglectful to her children. In fact, she loves them very much and does the best that she can. It is really the severe lack of awareness and thoughtfulness that makes me batty. Up until this point, it was manageable. If she made decisions that effected our schedule or our life, hubby and I sucked it up and moved on.

Now, it feels so very different.  Now, there is another little guy involved, my bio son. So, when bio mom of the step-kids changes the schedule without telling us and we have to change our plans accordingly, there are now three of us that need to make this accommodation. I understand that things change and flexibility is a necessity in life. However, when things happen "to me" instead of "with me" it just feels plain awful. Especially, when a little communication would make things feel so much better.

An opportunity to communicate would allow us to express our needs. I am an incredibly thoughtful human being and I am quite deliberate in my actions. If we have plans with the kids it is far more than just something to do for us. Most of our plans together are based on our family values- values that are often very different from bio mom's. There is no judgement in that (okay, maybe a tinge) but it is the reality. She can not assume that making changes is not a "big deal" for us just because it is not a "big deal" for her.

This has been a lengthy rant, I know. I think that most of it comes down to feeling really disrespected and feeling really out of control. I know that I made the choice to be a part of this family and I knew what I was getting into when I did it. Well, maybe I didn't........I guess, when I have made many (if not most) of my personal decisions with my husband (IE having my own biological child) based on the needs of my two step children, I would like to experience some reciprocity of thoughtfulness from the other side about something! I don't want a medal or even a "like" on my Facebook status. Just consider how your decisions effect the lives of the other three people involved and then communicate them when you make them.

Thank you for listening.....this has been two years in the making.

Bad bloggah!

Okay, okay. I was afraid that this might happen. I have been so concerned about what my writing would look like that I have spent the last few weeks making notes on what I want to write about without actually writing it. You see, I am not very comfortable with being vulnerable. AND I am very concerned about what others think of me! Can you imagine? 35 years old and I still want, in some ways need, approval from others.

So, this is my goal for tonight: to write and to "be real."

A very good friend of mine was kind enough to share another fantastic blog with me a few weeks ago: Single Dad Laughing. Dan Pearce wrote an amazing entry last year called The Disease called Perfection. He does a great job of clarifying that this disease is not an internal motivator to be great at something but instead, it is an external push to appear great to others. To put on a "mask" to avoid judgement.

Judgement and I have never really worked well with one another. For years I had a panel of people that I worked hard to impress. A jury of my peers per se (and parents and teachers and youth ministers and bosses and even therapists!) It didn't take much to earn a position on this panel. Anyone that I respected and looked up to would immediately gain a seat. My mother sat at the head of this panel for years. While in the presence of a panelist member, I would work hard to be the "perfect" daughter/employee/client that I could be regardless of what was real for me.

Although the panel has disbanded, I continue to work diligently to avoid judgement by appearing to be perfect to the outside world. It's interesting because I am not foolish enough to think that I am perfect in any way. However, I am naive enough to think that I can convince others that I am pretty great. That's silly! That's the disease!

I am heeding Dan's warning and taking the first step with this blog to "be real." Dan said, Let’s not forget this quote: “I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.” Somebody who is being a friend doesn’t spread “Perfection”. Somebody who is being a friend spreads “Real”. Then, and only then, can we all grow together.

As a mom, it is important that I be able to share this message with my children. To teach them that they are amazing and beautiful people just as they are with all of their unique imperfections.

I will start with this week. This week, I will "be real."  I will start here.......

• I will tell myself that I am healthy and okay when I take my antidepressant in the morning each day. I am not a failure.
• If someone asks me how many children I have, I will say four: two step-children and two of my own. I will not be ashamed that I am estranged from my adopted son. I made the best decision at the time for both of us.
• When my husband asks me if I need some help in the kitchen, I will say. "yes hunny, that would be great!" and I will delegate a task instead of pretending to be supercook extraordinaire.
• I will post this blog and allow myself to be vulnerable.

Hypocrite!

Since becoming a new mother, I have grasped onto any and every opportunity to hear from other moms. Whether it be advice on how to manage the next milestone or validation that what I am experiencing is normal, I have gained a tremendous appreciation for those moms who take the time to write about their experiences. It is this new insight that has dramatically changed my opinion of "the blog."

I have held a great deal of animosity for bloggers in the past. As many have had to bear witness to my soapbox (I am so sorry,) I have often thought that bloggers have an inflated sense of self. Perhaps this is because I hadn't needed to hear that someone else was feeling the same way that I feel. The necessity for a quick look into the window of another woman's life was not so great. Now, as a mother of a, dare I say it, one year old (in three days,) I seek validation of normalcy wherever I can. Blogs and pod-casts have become a safe and easy venue to get these needs met.

So, I thought that I would share my resources, too.

I thought that I would start with just that. Every resource that I have has been shared with me by another mom so I would like to give a quick Thank You to all of you who have done so!

Two of my favorites are:
Manic Mommies Podcast   A weekly podcast of two very real women who are working moms! you can find them on iTunes as well.
Ask Moxie  This is a great place to find tons of different creative ideas and multiple opinions from other moms. 

Two Blogs that are closer to my heart from two women that I greatly admire:
Dodging Acorns  
The Grieving Butterfly

I have so many thoughts but I would like to stop here and give everyone the opportunity to digest the hypocrisy of this whole event.

I hope that I can provide a nugget of comfort and maybe even a chuckle now and then for those who stop in to visit.