Bad bloggah!

Okay, okay. I was afraid that this might happen. I have been so concerned about what my writing would look like that I have spent the last few weeks making notes on what I want to write about without actually writing it. You see, I am not very comfortable with being vulnerable. AND I am very concerned about what others think of me! Can you imagine? 35 years old and I still want, in some ways need, approval from others.

So, this is my goal for tonight: to write and to "be real."

A very good friend of mine was kind enough to share another fantastic blog with me a few weeks ago: Single Dad Laughing. Dan Pearce wrote an amazing entry last year called The Disease called Perfection. He does a great job of clarifying that this disease is not an internal motivator to be great at something but instead, it is an external push to appear great to others. To put on a "mask" to avoid judgement.

Judgement and I have never really worked well with one another. For years I had a panel of people that I worked hard to impress. A jury of my peers per se (and parents and teachers and youth ministers and bosses and even therapists!) It didn't take much to earn a position on this panel. Anyone that I respected and looked up to would immediately gain a seat. My mother sat at the head of this panel for years. While in the presence of a panelist member, I would work hard to be the "perfect" daughter/employee/client that I could be regardless of what was real for me.

Although the panel has disbanded, I continue to work diligently to avoid judgement by appearing to be perfect to the outside world. It's interesting because I am not foolish enough to think that I am perfect in any way. However, I am naive enough to think that I can convince others that I am pretty great. That's silly! That's the disease!

I am heeding Dan's warning and taking the first step with this blog to "be real." Dan said, Let’s not forget this quote: “I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.” Somebody who is being a friend doesn’t spread “Perfection”. Somebody who is being a friend spreads “Real”. Then, and only then, can we all grow together.

As a mom, it is important that I be able to share this message with my children. To teach them that they are amazing and beautiful people just as they are with all of their unique imperfections.

I will start with this week. This week, I will "be real."  I will start here.......

• I will tell myself that I am healthy and okay when I take my antidepressant in the morning each day. I am not a failure.
• If someone asks me how many children I have, I will say four: two step-children and two of my own. I will not be ashamed that I am estranged from my adopted son. I made the best decision at the time for both of us.
• When my husband asks me if I need some help in the kitchen, I will say. "yes hunny, that would be great!" and I will delegate a task instead of pretending to be supercook extraordinaire.
• I will post this blog and allow myself to be vulnerable.