There are few things that I would encourage someone Not to do. Some of them are pretty basic human behaviors that no-one should want to engage in, i.e. murder, self-harm, or anything that is destructive to yourself or others. But, then, there is the opportunity to become a step-parent. Ugh! DO NOT DO IT! Being a step mother has been by far the most challenging task that I have ever taken on in my entire life. It is all of the struggles of parenting squared (maybe even cubed!) Yes, that's right, I used a math equation to help signify the enormity of this challenge.
A little background- Hubby was married pre-"me" and has two wonderful children. When I met them, they were mini humans only age 4 and age 2. The visitation schedule is quite UN-traditional in that it follows ex-wife's work schedule which is ridiculous. See if you can follow this: for three weeks the kids are with us from Sunday-Thursday and then for three weeks the kids are with us Thursday-Sunday. I know, can you imagine being a kid following this schedule?!?!
After a couple of years of living with the family, I came to a place where I needed to make the decision of whether or not to attach to these two children who were clearly going to be a big part of my life. However, I was well aware that I had the choice to decide how involved I wanted to be. Ultimately, I decided that if I was going to join this family then I would be choosing to parent these two kids as if they are my own. So, that's what I did.
Over the past ten years I have loved them as my own children and treated them as my own children to the very best of my ability. Don't get me wrong, I am not super human so there have been many times when I have struggled. I arrived with my own baggage that needed putting away and they have been a part of and witness to that process.Without hesitation, I can say that I have worked very hard to be an additional resource for them. I think that for the most part both children love and respect me and that is all that I can ask of them since they are just that- children.
Unfortunately, there is a whole other piece that requires continuous reconciling- THE MOTHER. Now, I must be honest in that I have well trained co-workers who will curse her at the mere mention of her name in their endless effort to support me. Yet, the mother is not a bad person. She is not abusive or neglectful to her children. In fact, she loves them very much and does the best that she can. It is really the severe lack of awareness and thoughtfulness that makes me batty. Up until this point, it was manageable. If she made decisions that effected our schedule or our life, hubby and I sucked it up and moved on.
Now, it feels so very different. Now, there is another little guy involved, my bio son. So, when bio mom of the step-kids changes the schedule without telling us and we have to change our plans accordingly, there are now three of us that need to make this accommodation. I understand that things change and flexibility is a necessity in life. However, when things happen "to me" instead of "with me" it just feels plain awful. Especially, when a little communication would make things feel so much better.
An opportunity to communicate would allow us to express our needs. I am an incredibly thoughtful human being and I am quite deliberate in my actions. If we have plans with the kids it is far more than just something to do for us. Most of our plans together are based on our family values- values that are often very different from bio mom's. There is no judgement in that (okay, maybe a tinge) but it is the reality. She can not assume that making changes is not a "big deal" for us just because it is not a "big deal" for her.
This has been a lengthy rant, I know. I think that most of it comes down to feeling really disrespected and feeling really out of control. I know that I made the choice to be a part of this family and I knew what I was getting into when I did it. Well, maybe I didn't........I guess, when I have made many (if not most) of my personal decisions with my husband (IE having my own biological child) based on the needs of my two step children, I would like to experience some reciprocity of thoughtfulness from the other side about something! I don't want a medal or even a "like" on my Facebook status. Just consider how your decisions effect the lives of the other three people involved and then communicate them when you make them.
Thank you for listening.....this has been two years in the making.
