You know, the day where you are teetering on the edge of an absolute meltdown. You can feel yourself on the edge of something and you spend most of your energy rocking yourself back onto the ledge to keep from falling knowing that it will take nothing more than a whisper to push you over.
I am not here often....in fact, I pride myself on my capacity to hold things together. I have the emotional capacity of a small country (not as small as Vatican City but maybe more like a Liechtenstein.) Perhaps that's why I appear masochistic in my yearning to take on more. For the most part, I can handle it. For the most part....
Unfortunately, today is not that kind of day! Maybe its depression or anxiety, maybe my medication isn't adequate anymore, maybe I am getting old and my capacity is dwindling...
Or maybe sometimes, a day in life is harder than others.
Maybe today is the day for me. I suppose that negative energy has to go somewhere. Today it is here. In my body, in my mind, and in my heart. Maybe if I purge some of what is pulling me down, I can be relieved of some of it's weight.
A list seems most appropriate:
- I don't know what more I can do to support my stepson in school, I don't know how to help him (or his sister) understand the importance of education. I don't know how to give them a peek into their future to see the limitations that they will put on themselves if they don't make their education a priority. I don't know how to help them understand that life requires money and opportunities to earn decent living will only be afforded to those who have a "minimum 4-year degree." And maybe, in ten years, it will be a graduate degree. And I certainly don't know how to do this when they are only in our home half time.
- I don't know how to just be happy. I don't know when the last time was that I sat in my own skin and felt "happy." Is this normal? Does this happen when you have children and you are worried about them all day, every day?
- I don't know how to feel good about my work when I can't concentrate in any given moment. Not to mention, I don't feel like I am doing much. I don't have a career...just a job. Which is fine because it is a good job. But, oh, how I wish that I had the support and understanding necessary to finish college when I was younger. I wish that I was a teacher. I know that I can be one day but I am not sure how I can get there from here and honestly, I don't know that I have the perseverance to make it happen. My track record says otherwise.
- I don't know how to muster up the energy to keep my relationship with my husband alive. Honestly, if I hired a babysitter right now, I might use that time to take a nap- I am exhausted. But, I miss my husband and I want to see him and experience him outside of ma & daddy roles. I knew that relationships were hard but I never anticipated missing the man that I sleep next to every night- how does that happen?!?!?
- Why haven't I found world peace and made a real difference in the world yet?!? Gosh, by 36, I feel like I should have done something important by now! What am I doing with all of my time anyway? (This is half serious/half kidding.....but mostly serious.)
- Why am I still struggling with issues with my parents??? After 18 years of therapy, I should be fixed by now!I should have realistic expectations and recognize others' emotional limitations and all that other shit already....
Girlfriend, you know I could have written this post, I wrote one like it last week!! ((HUGS)). It sucks. I can basically echo 4 of your 6 points to the tee. I hate that you are going through this too. Here's what I do know - writing about my awful mood/funk/whatever last week made me feel better, and the responses from folks brought me tears of joy instead of the tears of sorry and frustration that I had been crying. I also know that you are an amazing person in your core, I've never known anyone better. And that this will pass. It might not be soon, and it might get much harder before it does, but like you said, it's temporary. Taking steps, acknowledging what's whirling around your brain and heart is half the battle. I love you, mom. Anything I can do you know I'm there.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard being a wife, a mother, a working mom at that, but if it was all easy would we be the women that we are?? I can't tell you the last time I was truly happy, I know I have said before that the last time I was truly happy was during Hunter's 1st year of life....that was 5 years ago, could it really be that long....I think, or rather know that relationships change when a child is introduced. I admit I'm not sure which direction I am going in tis reply, but what is important is that this post spoke to me, and I guess that is what is important, knowing that none of us are alone in this daily battle we call life. Stay strong Mama xoxo
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